Happy Birthday...

Today's my birthday... My birthday always seems to be depressing every year.  This year especially. I feel lonely... and makes me wonder who my friends are.  There was 2 or 3 people I was expecting to hear from... and didn't.  Whether it be a blast on Facebook or a text or a phone call... just something.  

And I got nothing.  

Maybe my expectations are too high or maybe I'm too sensitive, but it hurts none the less. 

 I think in the back of every one's head, there's always a few people that they expect to hear from, can almost guarantee it.  And I'm sure for most people, they can.  For me, it's a little different.  Every year I HOPE that those few that I can expect to count on, will call or text, but it usually doesn't happen.  You see people include others in posts 

or comment on Facebook,

 or decorate their desk at work,

or bring flowers or chocolates- something of that nature...

 and I think "oh, when my time comes around, they'll say something for sure... I know I mean something to them."

 And when they don't? 

 It hurts. 

Bad.

People who call you their family, but won't talk about certain things in front of you or are secretive, but hey, they call you family.  Doesn't sound much like family to me.  Or people that you called your best friend at one point, and then they stop talking to you and you find out months down the road that something happened- something you didn't know about, didn't have control over, yet you are the one being punished.  As I write this, I'm sitting here crying. And it's not right.  

Nobody should cry on their birthday.  That person should feel loved and cared about.  

And I don't.   

It feels like a knife to the heart like in grade school and you hear someone call a person their best friend and you think "but I thought I was your best friend..." 

 It all hurts. 

 I was planning on going out this year... to the bar or something.  But the more I think about it, the more I know, at this point, that few to none would show up.  And that is depressing and embarrassing.  To spare myself any humiliation or pain, I've decided to just stay in this year.  

And that sucks. 

 To stay home because you know nobody cares.  

I'm sure some people do... and some people  have expressed a happy birthday to me here and there, but not the ones that I thought were my closest, dearest friends.  I try to make amends and maybe things have gone so far that it can't be done, but I still hope for that little glimmer that things haven't. 

 Obviously, I was wrong. 

 And that hurts the most.  

I feel so lonely and I don't even have anyone I can I share my pain with.  

So  all I have is this blog to share my pain through.  I just wish I had at least one person to count, one person to call "friend" and actually be one. One person to take the day off of work to celebrate with you.  One person that would be willing to give up a night so you could go out and actually have fun.  One person that would not allow you to be in a drunken stupor, wallowing in your own spit up and blood. 

 I suppose I need to keep looking...